School Official (SO): “Uh, Chandler’s in the office and she says her mouth tastes like butt.”
Me: “Like what???”
SO: “Like butt… What did you give her to brush her teeth with this morning?”
Me: “Foot cream.”
SO: “Oh, then her mouth tastes like foot.”
Background noise - Crowd laughing and Chandler’s animated voice leading a story
Me: “She not sick though, is she?”
SO: “Uh, (laughing at Chandler’s entertainment) no, not really.”
Me: “Okay, tell her that if I come and get her, I will take to the hospital to have her stomach pumped”
SO: “Okay, hang on she’s telling us a story.”  Laughing.  “Chandler, your Mom says she can come and get you but she will have to take you to the hospital to have your stomach pumped.”
Chandler: “Um, no. Tell her I would rather go to the doctor, not to the hospital.”
SO: “No Honey, you have to go the the hospital, the doctor can’t take care of it.”
Chandler: “Okay, tell her to come and get me and we’ll go have my stomach pumped.”
Me: “Holy crap! Now what do I do?”
Laughing through out the office.

Thank you to DB the school official who convinced her to go back to class.

*Rewind to 8:05am*

We have to leave in the next 10 minutes or Chandler will be arriving to class with a tardy slip. Not such a good thing when you rely on volunteering and good attendance to get a transfer to the best (local) public school every year. So why hasn’t she brushed her teeth already! Okay out of toothpaste, no problem. As a Mom I am trained to multi-task.  I am convinced for someone like me, with no history of multi-tasking, this is an asset that was bestowed to me shortly after childbirth. One of the several gifts new Mothers often get after giving birth. Oh sure there is the baby(s) but there is also the hemorrhoids, the large swollen achy and lactating breasts, the lack of bladder control, the stretchmarks,never getting to sleep soundly again and multi-tasking… to name a few.

So as I am getting Taylor ready and Chandler asks for more toothpaste.  I open the drawer that usually holds the girls extra toothpaste, floss picks, and toothbrushes and I grab a tube and send her on her way…

“I do not like this new toothpaste” she says to me upon returning and um, by the look on her face I’m thinking “what the???”.  Oh no, foot cream? Really? I’m thinking Mother of the Year is gonna pass me by yet again this year.

Now what? Call poison control? We don’t have time for poison control.  We have to get that damn transfer!   So like a good Mom, I load her into the car and instruct her to drink about a gallon of water and call me immediately if she gets a bellyache.  Then I shove her out of the car and into the school yard with an “I love you, honey.  Have a good day”.  Not what you would have done?

Now in the quiet drive home (yeah right, I still have Taylor),  the guilt sets in… But really how much could she have swallowed? I mean, lets face it, she’s about as likely to score “Toothbrusher of the Year” as I am going to score “Mother of the Year”, so I’m thinking the minuscule amount that she put on, coupled by the fact that she does actually spit not swallow (it’s the tom-boy thing) is actually working in my favor (yeah, finally something working in my favor!). But as a precaution I call the school to advise them that if she arrives in the office with any abdominal complaints to please call me immediately.  And then I explain the reason… to which they break into uncontrollable laughter. 

So not even an hour goes by and guess what? Chandler is in the office “sick”. One of the Ladies who helps out in the office and happens to live near our home (read: out of district) and is a big time Chandler fan calls and well now you know how that went.

You know,  I may actually get my transfers approved because we provide absolute comedic relief for the office staff. Seriously. They will never forget us.

Please note : No Children were hurt in creating this very amusing and entertaining post.

~Blondie